It's more than PTSD
by Blackbutterfly269
Summary: It's almost a year since JJ's abduction and torture, but it catches up to her during a sparring session with Morgan. Her PTSD takes over and she finds herself back in that room, subject to Askari's torture once again. Currently a two-shot. Mention of some violence and torture. (Slight swearing also)
1. Chapter 1

"Now, blondie, I'll try go easy on you today but I don't make any promises," Derek smirked as he wrapped his knuckles.

"Don't bother, Morgan. You know I could take you with my eyes closed," JJ said with a weak smile as she roughly gathered her hair in a ponytail.

Derek laughed in good nature, as they made their way to the sparring mat. It had become a weekly routine after they had finished work on a Tuesday – lest they were away on a case – for them to meet to practice sparring. It had come in handy on more than a few occasions while apprehending suspects, as rarely did they ever come quietly. At first it had been for her benefit, as being rather small she lacked the strength to get away with basic self-defence training against large, sometimes behemoth UnSubs. As she progressed – particularly after re-joining the team after her stint with the pentagon – she became more adept and they were soon on an equal footing. If anything, JJ occasionally had the upper hand with her ability to use Morgan's size against him.

"Right then – usual practice?"

"Yep, and I swear to god, Morgan, if you try to tickle me again, I will-"

"Yeah, yeah – as long as you stay away from my chocolate temple of manliness"

"Okay, I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that"

They shared a quick chuckle before getting down to business. They nodded once and touched knuckles before assuming their position. As dramatic as it may sound, inside that ring they were not partners, or colleagues, or even friends. They were opponents with the simple task of grounding the other as quickly and efficiently as possible.

They circled for a few moments before any action ensued. JJ, not one to hold back inside the ring, landed the first punch. Morgan easily blocked it and aimed a timely jab at her abdomen, but she moved just in time to avoid it. They carried on like this for a while, with basic movements and tactical attacks.

Morgan soon got bored and used JJ's next move against her. Upon extending her arm towards his face, she dropped her other arm slightly. Morgan aimed a timely jab at her head, and in her recoil another couple at her head and abdomen. Quick on her feet, JJ took a step out to get out of range, reset, and retaliate.

She dropped her head slightly to exhale and supress the shock and, despite the cushioning, slight pain. However when she looked up again, she didn't see Morgan. In his place was Tivon Askari.

Everything had changed in a single heartbeat. The mat became solid concrete, splashed with water from her drowning. Askari looked at her hungrily, eager to break her.

But hadn't he already broken her?

Yes, he had. And it had taken nearly a full year for her to put herself back together.

She wouldn't let him do it again.

JJ lunged at him in a flurry of punches. Her muscles burned, no longer fuelled by glucose but by pure rage. It was life or death. She wasn't restrained this time – she wouldn't give him the opportunity to hurt her. She punched and kicked as hard as she could for a few moments before he gathered himself. She had dropped her arm completely, and was free to attack. He landed several punches at her face and one at her abdomen. Upon contact with her abdomen, the electric current surged through her again. Igniting every nerve on fire – burning from within. It was a pain like no other – agony radiated from the point of contact on her abdomen to every nerve ending in her body. She let out a cry of pain and crumpled to the floor. Askari faltered for a moment, watching on in pleasure.

Pushing the pain aside, she sprung up and resumed her attack. Technique was forgotten – no longer was she aiming tactical assaults, but was simply lashing out at each and every part of his body she could find. Her muscles cried for respite, but she could not give it to them.

He pushed her back and laughed, telling her to keep her strength. She lunged at him again, screaming for her lost baby, but he made contact with her torso, sending another wave of excruciating pain through her body. It hurt – oh god it_ hurt_. JJ fell back with the force of his touch and in recoil of the electrocution. She scrambled up, but the adrenaline coursing through her veins told her that fighting was useless and that she must run. So she ran to the door – knowing that it was locked and that the set of keys hanging from Askari's belt was the only way out, but also knowing that there was no other option.

She sprinted, stumbling every other step on her way to the door. She turned her head to see Askari gaining on her – arms open to envelope her back into a world of torture. She stumbled once more and her instincts forced her arms out to cushion her fall but instead they grappled onto something else. Her head whipped around, loose hairs sticking to the sweat on her forehead. Was it her team? Coming to save her? No. She was holding onto Hastings. With another scream she pushed away from his filthy, groping hands and tried to run past him.

As she ran she felt warm, salty tears mingle with the sweat on her face. She let out a strangled cry – no longer adamant not to show any weakness. _If she could only get to that door…_

In her desperation to escape, her feet did not stop pounding the concrete floor until she collided with the door. She struggled with the doorknob, but it would not budge. Within seconds she could feel Askari on top of her, enveloping her in his huge arms. One hand covered her mouth and she instinctively started choking on the pungent chemicals he was feeding her. More tears leaked from her eyes, and a terrified sound emerged from her smothered mouth.

He removed the cloth and she gasped for air, still struggling between the door and the large body of Askari.

"Just kill me then! Like you killed my baby! You bastard!"

He shifted his body until she was pressed flush against his torso, his arms wrapped around her – almost like a hug. She had ran out of adrenaline, out of hope, out of fight. She fell into his arms like a ragdoll – ready to accept her fate.

"JJ!"

He was shouting her name. The name that her friends and family called her. Not her captor, her torturer, the murderer of her unborn child – he did not get to call her that – but she could not stop him.

"JJ" he voiced again, his voice more hushed.

"JJ, it's me. Derek," concern etched his voice.

Was this another ploy? Was this something to do with the drugs he gave her?

"JJ, you're safe. It's Derek Morgan – you're friend"

Another sob wracked her body, but the man who held her was doing so very gently now.

"JJ, can you hear me? It's Derek. I need you to look at me and see that it's only me, and I'm not going to hurt you, ok? You're safe."

She opened her eyes that she did not realised she had clenched shut in terror. JJ shifted slightly so she could look into the eyes of her friend and colleague, Derek Morgan.

Her breathing slowed gently, but the tears continued to fall.

"Derek- He- Aska- Askari. I saw him- And Hastings. He was-" JJ stammered incoherently.

"I know, you're safe now. He's gone," Morgan soothed.

They sat like that for a while, in silence. JJ tried to compose herself, but she felt shame and humiliation rush through her. She had tried so hard to keep it all under wraps, to not let it affect her job and her relationships – but she had failed. Just like she had failed to protect her team, to protect Nadia and her daughter, to protect her baby. She wiped the stray tears that remained on her face and replaced her distraught façade with a calm and neutral one. She had been so weak – she vowed that she would not let that weakness show again.

With her calm, controlled, and stoic demeanour in place, JJ stood up. She stepped around Morgan, refusing to meet his concerned stare, and strode into the female changing room. It wasn't until she punched a locker in anger she realised the damage she had done to her knuckles. They were red raw and burning. She also noticed bruising starting to appear around her eye and shoulder from her collision with the door. Deciding to shower at home so that she could leave as quickly as possible and avoid Morgan, she gathered her stuff as fast as she could and turned to leave.

* * *

A/N- This is just a one-shot for now, but I could possibly be persuaded to continue if it's well received. If you have any criticism (constructive please) or comments on this then please review to let me know! I hope I didn't want to make JJ's character too weak here but I'm not sure if I did or not. I hate it when she's portrayed as a silly, weak and emotional character. I mean - I know all characters have emotions but I don't think she gets enough credit for controlling them and for her strength. Anyway, please R&amp;R and let me know if this is something that should be continued! Thanks


	2. Chapter 2

p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;"Derek waited outside the female changing room, debating whether to confront his friend or not. He certainly did not want to alarm or push JJ in such a raw state. He was honestly terrified of what he had seen. One minute they were sparring as usual, he had made a move and when she next looked up she had a look of extreme terror in her eyes. He couldn't erase that image of those baby blue eyes, that he was so used to seeing crinkled at the edges as she broke into a smile, turn into orbs of pure terror. She had become feral, attacking with so much vigour./p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;"Initially he hadn't realised what was happening. He was slightly thrown, but continued their session nonetheless. It wasn't until he landed a blow to her abdomen and she sprang back, screaming, that he realised something was dreadfully wrong. In that moment, she was the epitome of terror. She attacked again with more vigour and he was forced to push her away for fear she would hurt herself. Knowing that he had caused that pain was a horrific feeling for Derek, and he simply wanted to stop her distress./p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;"Still in her terrorized state, she ran past him and straight into one of the training dummies, which sparked another strangled cry from her throat. Derek followed her to the door and enveloped her small frame in his large arms, confining her. He hated that he was causing her pain and distress, but couldn't let her loose in the FBI building. Not only was she a danger to herself, but knowing JJ, Derek knew she would be mortified if anyone saw. He tried to soothe her, but his own heart was pumping wildly. He was terrified of the state that she was in. He had noticed that something had been off with her recently, but had not realized the extent of her turmoil./p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;"It wasn't until she was enclosed in his arms that he noticed how small JJ really was. Her usually small frame was emaciated, and he could feel every rib and bone in her body. He berated himself for not noticing it sooner, but continued to try and coach her out of her state. She was distraught when she was brought back into the room, and Derek did all he could to console her. They sat by the door until she rose and strode into the female changing rooms, making a point of ignoring his concerned stare./p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;"Derek knew she was stubborn, but hoped that she would open up to him so that he could help. At the moment, her demeanour was not a good indication of this. He was brought out of his ruminating by the sound of JJ exiting the changing room./p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;"She noticed him immediately and her face dropped, as though she was expecting him but did not want to see him. She visibly exhaled before casting her eyes to the floor and beginning to walk to the exit. In that moment, Derek knew he had to call her out on it, as if she had her way she would avoid it forever./p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;""No, JJ. We're going to talk about this."/p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;""Hmm? Talk about what? I'm really in a rush, Morgan," she mumbled, refusing to meet his eyes. She was usually a great liar, but sometimes these things just caught up to you, especially if you couldn't believe the lie yourself./p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;""Sit down, JJ."/p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;""Really, Morgan, I'm fine. I need to get home, maybe another time though-"/p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;""Dammit JJ! You can't just pretend like that didn't happen. You need to-"/p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;""No. You don't get to tell me what I need to do," She turned in anger. This time she met his eyes, and wouldn't back down./p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;""I just want to help, JJ. I know what you're going through," Morgan tried to calm her./p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;""No, you don't understand, Morgan. In fact, you don't have a fucking clue, and I'd appreciate it if you could refrain from butting your-," Morgan cut her off mid-sentence./p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;""What baby?" His voice was soft yet persistent./p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;"Her eyes softened suddenly, but save for that her face remained stoic./p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;""Hmm? What baby?" She instantly felt guilty about denying the knowledge of her deceased, unborn child./p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;""You said that your baby was killed. You never said anything about that before."/p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;"JJ debated with herself internally. It would be so easy, to spill her conscience and, even if just for a while, unchain herself from the memories that plagued her. Eventually one side won over, because she dropped her bag on the floor and walked to sit beside Derek. Her mouth opened several times, but faltered before a sound came out. With a sigh, she eventually began./p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;""While I was in Afghanistan, I was pregnant. I hadn't told anyone except Matt – not even Will, even though we were trying. I guess I didn't really know what to do, I mean, I could hardly drop an operation like that. But Hastings overheard me telling Matt, and he-," She broke off for a moment, and Derek noticed a single tear escape and trickle down her cheek. "He- In the explosion that- I lost my baby."/p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;"Her voice was soft and monotonous, as though she was trying to disassociate herself from the trauma. She was terrified that now she had let that first tear fall, they would not stop. Morgan, a seasoned profiler, easily took in his friend's body language and demeanour. JJ was hunched over herself, her arms wrapped around her body as if to physically stop herself from falling apart. She was holding her breath with the knowledge that if she let the air out, every emotion that she had pent up over the last year would come out too. Morgan took in the dark bags under her eyes, her bones protruding at sharp angles and her skin which looked as white and weak as paper./p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;""JJ, it's ok to grieve. You can cry for your baby," Morgan looked on in concern./p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;""No, you don't understand!" She was gasping with the effort of holding it all in, "I can't mourn my child if it's my fault they died!"/p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;""It wasn't your fault," Morgan's voice was strong enough to stress the truth of his words, but still comforting enough not to provoke alarm./p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;""I couldn't even protect my own baby! I let my own child die just like everyone else. It's my fault that Nadia and her daughter died and it's my fault-" She broke off, when it became too much and the tears started to fall freely. She was gently rocking herself in her hunched state./p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;""Look at me, JJ." It took her a few seconds, but she eventually complied. "That was not your fault. You were doing your job, and from what I heard, you were doing it damn well. You tried to protect Nadia and her daughter, it was not your fault that some traitorous bastards killed them. You did all you could. And as for your baby, the only blame lies with those sons of bitches that caused that explosion, you hear me? You were serving your country. God, JJ, you can't let them do this to you, not now."/p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;"She looked in his eyes, as though searching for some kind of confirmation that it was okay to believe him and that it was okay to start to let this blame go. When she saw the kind eyes of a friend staring back, she began to let herself grieve. JJ cried for her baby, for Nadia and her daughter, for her son and husband who would never know that child, and finally, for herself. She wrapped her arms around Derek and clung to him, her fingers digging into his shoulders just to remind herself that he was really there – that he knew what had happened and that he didn't blame her. She trusted his judgement in the field, so why not now? Sobs wracked through her body, and Derek held her tight, knowing that this was a necessary, positive step. They stayed like that for a while, even as her sobs subsided to small hiccups./p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;"When they eventually pulled apart, it was JJ who initiated the movement. She recognised that it was the first time in ages that she had pulled away from contact not to avoid confrontation or to prevent someone from seeing her pain, but because she was emotionally sated by the intimacy./p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;""Does Will know?"/p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;""No, I need to tell him though. It's unfair to him, it's been so long since she died."/p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;""She?"/p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;""I don't know, really. It was too early to actually know, but I could tell it was a girl."/p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;"Derek nodded. "You need to deal with this JJ. You can't keep it bottled up again – I mean, that was horrific."/p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;""I know, Derek. I keep dreading that it will happen out in the field – can you imagine? It's not fair to you and the rest of the team if I don't have your back."/p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;""I never worry about you not having my back. And while that is important, the main thing is that you don't have to go through that again. Do you want to talk about what you felt back there?"/p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;""I'm not exactly sure what happened, if I'm honest. One moment we were sparring as usual, and in a split second I was back in that room. I couldn't think straight, I just knew I couldn't let Askari – well, you, I guess – get me again. And the pain. I didn't realise the mind could make it feel so real. And then Hastings was there, I fell into him. And his hands were everywhere again – it was horrible. I just wanted to escape, but how can you escape your own mind?" She spoke freely, almost babbling her thoughts out at once./p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;""Again? Hastings – did he… Did he rape you?"/p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;""No. I mean, he was going to. He didn't get the chance though. He just groped me a little, and taunted me about my baby."/p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;"Derek felt rage boil inside him, but he was able to suppress it if only for JJ's benefit./p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;""Thank you, Derek. For this. I mean, I really needed it. I do feel a lot better. I mean, he's still there, sitting on my shoulder, taunting me. But he feels a lot lighter now, like maybe I could shake him off for a while. I really appreciate it, you're a great friend."/p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;""No problem. Just promise me you'll come to me if it gets too much again, yeah? And we can give these sessions a miss for a while if you want?"/p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;""I promise, Derek. And I know tonight was a bit of a mess, but I like our sessions. I don't want to give them up – he's taken enough from me."/p  
p style="font-family: -webkit-standard;""Okay, blondie. Now let's get you back to that handsome little tyke of yours, eh?"/p 


End file.
